Welcome to the opening match of the 2018 Gender Games. It’s the first match of the tournament and team Trans Right’s Activists (TRA) are facing up against the plucky underdogs Team Mumsnet.
It was always going to be a highly contested game.
Trouble started early – during the pre-match warm ups Team TRA demanded that no one should have to wear the number two as that suggests a binary. Everyone on Team Mumsnet is – quite confusingly – wearing the number two.
TRA win the toss and we’re off!
Lees, passes to Peto – Peto to Brown, Sarah Brown; a last-minute substitution there by manager Maria Miller. Brown – Bergdorf.
And that was a dangerous run by Munroe Bergdorf, neatly blocked at the last minute by AngryAttackKittens – such a whole-hearted, physical player.
But what’s this? Lily Madigan is throwing a temper tantrum on the pitch! Apparently it’s transphobic to play with balls and they want Corbyn to step in and take them away as they’re distressing for the TRA team.
Commentator Owen Jones suggests a parliamentary inquest into the transphobic nature of playing with balls in general, and asking that the items formally known as “balls” must be referred to as SPOFS (spherical playing objects for sport).
This is agreed. The crowd applauds.
What now?! Team Mumsnet’s star goalkeeper Miranda Yardley is being forced to leave the pitch after refusing to use the term SPOFS and colourfully telling Bergdorf to F off. Mumsnet fans in the stadium have erupted in solidarity as Yardley walks off the pitch with two middle fingers raised, protesting loudly.
“WE’RE BOTH MEN!!!!” becomes the viral meme of the game.
Unbelievable folks, unbelievable.
Team TRA want to put in Danielle Muscato up front for Team Mumsnet, despite the protestations of Team Mumsnet.
The referee is being forced to consult the new inclusion rulebook.
And it’s been allowed.
Magdalen Berns is on a run for the goal now, she looks unstoppable but what’s this? Foul by Muscato. And the crowd don’t like that.
Shocking, absolutely shocking.
What’s this? We’re just hearing that the medical team Dr Adrian and Dr Christian are refusing health care to Team Mumsnet on the grounds that these women are literal monsters.
Never mind, Berns is up and it looks like she’s getting ready to take the penalty …
Jane Fae seems to be tying something on their head. I can’t quite make it out – it looks … no, it can’t be … yes it is! It is a helmet that looks like an egg. Fae is making quite a show of putting it on – it says on the side: “See I’ve got a lady skull”.
Back of the net! She certainly knows where the goal is, doesn’t she?
Oh dear. There’s disagreement among the commentators in what is proving to be a tetchy match-up. Graham Linehan’s stating that Mumsnet lead by 1-0 with Owen Jones responding that Linehan has just denied the existence of Team TRA and that Linehan is on the wrong side of history. It’s 1-0 to the Mumsnet Feminists, but the TRAs are self-identifying as having scored 6 goals.
It’s half time here in the dug-out and my my, what a match. Fewer than 50% of Team TRA are playing for their starting team, nobody knows which changing room to use and one lone player has self-identified as the referee and is demanding a full enquiry.
A protest has been logged. Team TRA have identified as Team Mumsnet and are demanding their right to access the Mumsnet changing room and bath.
It looks like they’re staging a protest and have blocked access to the tunnel. If Team TMA (or Trans-Mumsnet Activists as they must henceforth be known) can’t have it, then no-one will!
Well, it was always going to end in chaos when they scheduled the match for a Friday.
We’re back but there’s a delay in kicking off. Team TMA have refused to take to the pitch until after they’ve each done their Soccerette catwalk to Mr Big Stuff.
And we’re off. But what’s this?
Yet more delays as cries of “Die terf scum” can be heard from the stands causing confusion, prompting an official pitch inspection.
No dye or scum is found on the turf and play resumes.
Parker – Bewilderness – back to Parker.
We’re just hearing match commentator Graham Linehan has been attacked by fellow commentator Owen Jones for daring to say that team Mumsnet have scored some points and seem to be playing a fair game. Jones is in time-out in his own media room, which has been soundproofed and furnished with soft toys so as not to offend his delicate sensibilities.
Bewilderness – Parker – Berns is on a run for it now – passes to Ditum.
And it’s a red card for Jane Fae!!!
The ref has sent her off for skewering the SPOFS with a knitting needle whilst saving a cracking shot to goal from Ditum. Schoolboy defending there.
A penalty has been awarded and Sweary steps up to take the shot as Team TMA hastily replace Fae with substitute goalie Shon Faye.
Faye steps into goal attaching a talisman of some sort to the post. Ah, we are informed it’s an inspirational picture – what’s that? Yes, we can confirm – it’s a mirror.
Sweary lines up the shot and “GOAL!!!” Right in the top corner.
And what’s this? Shon Faye’s booked as he’s caught trying to erase the Mumsnet score from the scoreboard.
Team Mumsnet don’t look happy.
You couldn’t write a script like this! Unbelievable.
Interesting to note Madigan has only had three touches of the spherical playing object for sport in the entire game because they’re too busy trying to get all the Mumsnet players sent off.
What now?! Match suspended! Little Owen Jones has taken the SPOFS and gone home, but not before shouting “My Gender Neutral Parent is bigger than your Gender Neutral Parent”.
Absolute scenes here, folks, absolute scenes!
Team Mumsnet have got a SPOFS from one of their cars and the game is on again.
But what’s this? After conferring with team TMA, the ref has announced that mentioning or kicking the ball is a literal foul and, depending on the context, could lead to a yellow or red card or not.
After consulting with TMA the referee can confirm they’ve changed the laws of physics and the game resumes.
But wait! Madigan has run off the field in tears. Action replay here – we can see the SPOFS came towards them; they cowered and tried to swat it away but it looks like they broke a nail. A crowd funder has been started.
Morgane Oger has been sent on as a replacement and is threatening legal action against said SPOFS for violently attacking Madigan and all on the TMA team. They claim that’s the law in Canada and by extension in Europe.
In newer developments, the referee has ruled that hands CAN be used in the game, but only if they identify as feet.
Team TMA is now wearing the same jerseys as team Mumsnet, and accuse team Mumsnet of literal murder because they’re not passing the SPOFS to them.
Well despite some dirty tactics from team TMA, it seems team Mumsnet are holding firm.
The match is resumed. Rowland receives and that’s a beautiful bit of footwork there, past Lees, past Chandler – interception by Lees. Free kick.
Team Mumsnet’s star striker Berns is going to take it.
Team TMA are having trouble protecting their crotches and looking lady-like at the same time.
Play is stopped to find a solution that isn’t “outing”.
A scuffle breaks out on the pitch as Bergdorf snatches the ball from Berns and insists on taking over their job as free kick taker.
Bergdorf’s had an interesting career. Bergdorf was signed as Mumsnet manager but resigned before they got a chance to get stuck into their new role following a mass protest from fans about the suitability of a manager who both badmouthed the team and knew literally nothing about football. Mumsnet defender Amy Desir has since been suspended pending an internal investigation.
What’s this? There’s a chant coming from the Mumsnet crowd – what are they saying? “Penis, Penis, Penis!”. No, it seems they’re saying “This is what misogyny looks like” but this is indistinguishable to the frothing twitterati.
And now it seems Bergdorf is angrily demanding that the Mumsnet fans are ejected from that stadium! The officials have been consulted. The request has been denied.
The referee in a surprising twist has given the SPOFS back to Berns. Interception by Izzard.
Izzard to Jones. And what’s this? Zinnia Jones has picked up the SPOFS and they’re putting it – oh my days – that’s not in the rule book is it? Jones has certainly put the ball away. I must say it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase squeaky bum time. Jones is down and it looks like we’re going to need another SPOFS.
India Willoughby comes on as a sub and is greeted by boos by the Mumsnet fans. Willoughby’s sulking and stamping around the pitch shouting “I am a woman” and flashing their boobs to prove it. The boos continue.
Unbelievable folks, unbelievable.
And what’s this? Willoughby is holding out an arm saying they were hit. I think we can all agree that supporter was at least three metres away. Did we get it on film?
Team Mumsnet battle against their female socialisation and try not to help.
The Mumsnet mods are the unhappy lineswomen being yelled at by everyone.
The crowd is getting wild.
With a few minutes to go Mumsnet manager Justine Roberts, dressed as a clown fish, has changed all the rules.
There is chaos on the pitch. The crowd’s going wild.
They think it’s all over.
It is now.
POST MATCH ANALYSIS
This has definitely been the group to watch in the playoffs.
Of the four teams in Group A in the Gender Games trying to make it to the last sixteen, Mumsnet have been seen as the underdogs by the other three in their group; TMA, MRA and Mermaids.
It’s still unclear if the heavily anticipated Mumsnet/Mermaids match will go ahead as officials are still debating manager Susie Green’s demands for the match to be played in Thailand, whilst Team Mumsnet have launched a counter claim that many Mermaids team members are under age and therefore not eligible to play.
We contacted Susie for comment and received the following statement: “There is no debate to be had. I’ve named my squad and the location. Frankly the game shouldn’t be played at all. I’ve already decided it will be a 5-0 result and Mumsnet are just bloody meanies who don’t like football”.
And we’re just getting word that an appeal was logged against the VAR decisions, but it has been confirmed that potential, imagined and fabricated fouls will be treated as actual fouls, depending on both the context and which team the individual referee supports and, in some cases, their mood on the day.
Just a reminder to tune in tomorrow for coverage of the Group C matches where we will be watching team GCJ (gender critical journos) vs team STHP (Spineless Try Hard Politicians).
Both teams are looking to field some strong players with team GCJ putting forwards Turner, Freeman and Kirkup on from start of play. It’s a solid and experienced team of whom much is anticipated.
STHP have already announced star defenders Corbyn and Butler will be playing despite scoring a number of own goals in the pre-tournament friendlies with the forwards largely being pulled from the LibDem LGBTQXYZRDG academy (known for its particularly combative style of play).
The other match in this group is expected to be less well contested with team YTL (YouTube Lesbians), captained by Peach Yoghurt, poised to dominate from the kick off over Riley Denis’s YTGDM (YouTube Genitals Don’t Matter) team.
This could prove to be our least triggering game so far.
*** Written by the women of Mumsnet ***